Decisions

 "This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go."  
-Theodore Roethke

"'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
 And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
 'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight
'Till by turning, turning we come round right."
-Simple Gifts by Anonymous

With the end of school in sight, I am starting to feel the pressure of the major decisions I need to make.  It's amazing how when I have to make a huge decision, like what I am going to do for the next few year of my life kind of decision, how more and more options start popping out of nowhere.  This is what I do know: I do not want to stay where I am right now.  I have truly enjoyed my time at the Health Department, but I know with 100% certainty that my stint there is done. 

When Nate and I talk about our dreams for the next few years, none of them include staying in Orange County.  So why did this amazing job at ASF open up?  Just to confuse me?  I have been wanting to work at ASF since my friend Abby started working there a few years ago.  It's the kind of job that is so important and exactly along the lines of what I want to do with my life.  But it's in Orange County.  In Irvine, even.  Regardless of the location, I still applied and got an interview.  But is that what I really want to do?  Or where I am suppose to be for the next few years?  Irvine is not a developing country (not even close), but I would still be working with a vulnerable population.  And the job sounds perfect. 

But what if we fall in love with Peru?  What if Peru is exactly where we are suppose to be?  Will it be obvious once I arrive?  Do we sell all our belongings and give up this comfortable, routine life?  And yet this option is my ideal, my dream.  But will it be the right place for us to go?  And then, if it is the right place, if we do decide to move there, what do we do with Natalie?  What do we do with our cars and the things we have worked so hard to acquire?  Does giving up it all, really mean just that?  When really faced with having to sell all of your belongings to follow God, it's tough.  How many people are actually called to do this in life?  Why does it have to be me?

Or does it?  I can choose ASF.  I can choose Irvine.  I can choose a difficult, yet rewarding job and not have to give up anything.  I feel torn between my options.  Overwhelmed. 

And then if we do decide to go to Peru, when do we get married?  Or do we get married?  It is the #1 item listed on my bucket list, but is it the right timing for us?  I mean, it feels like the right timing for our lives, but that's before we take into consideration the lives around us.  And we are going to need their support in our marriage, I know that much!  But with Nate's sister getting married in October, and two of my best friends having babies arriving in November and December, the timing seems off for us to get married, especially since our goal leaving date is in January.  So, do we wait?  But does waiting mean staying in OC or moving to Peru or just simply waiting on the marriage part?  I have no idea. 

Everything seems to be pending on the outcome of our Peru trip.  I am too anxious and too much of a planner to wait.  But maybe waiting is exactly what I need to do. 

Just be still and wait.