"This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go."
-Theodore Roethke
"'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight
'Till by turning, turning we come round right."
-Simple Gifts by Anonymous
With the end of school in sight, I am starting to feel the pressure of the major decisions I need to make. It's amazing how when I have to make a huge decision, like what I am going to do for the next few year of my life kind of decision, how more and more options start popping out of nowhere. This is what I do know: I do not want to stay where I am right now. I have truly enjoyed my time at the Health Department, but I know with 100% certainty that my stint there is done.
When Nate and I talk about our dreams for the next few years, none of them include staying in Orange County. So why did this amazing job at ASF open up? Just to confuse me? I have been wanting to work at ASF since my friend Abby started working there a few years ago. It's the kind of job that is so important and exactly along the lines of what I want to do with my life. But it's in Orange County. In Irvine, even. Regardless of the location, I still applied and got an interview. But is that what I really want to do? Or where I am suppose to be for the next few years? Irvine is not a developing country (not even close), but I would still be working with a vulnerable population. And the job sounds perfect.
But what if we fall in love with Peru? What if Peru is exactly where we are suppose to be? Will it be obvious once I arrive? Do we sell all our belongings and give up this comfortable, routine life? And yet this option is my ideal, my dream. But will it be the right place for us to go? And then, if it is the right place, if we do decide to move there, what do we do with Natalie? What do we do with our cars and the things we have worked so hard to acquire? Does giving up it all, really mean just that? When really faced with having to sell all of your belongings to follow God, it's tough. How many people are actually called to do this in life? Why does it have to be me?
Or does it? I can choose ASF. I can choose Irvine. I can choose a difficult, yet rewarding job and not have to give up anything. I feel torn between my options. Overwhelmed.
And then if we do decide to go to Peru, when do we get married? Or do we get married? It is the #1 item listed on my bucket list, but is it the right timing for us? I mean, it feels like the right timing for our lives, but that's before we take into consideration the lives around us. And we are going to need their support in our marriage, I know that much! But with Nate's sister getting married in October, and two of my best friends having babies arriving in November and December, the timing seems off for us to get married, especially since our goal leaving date is in January. So, do we wait? But does waiting mean staying in OC or moving to Peru or just simply waiting on the marriage part? I have no idea.
Everything seems to be pending on the outcome of our Peru trip. I am too anxious and too much of a planner to wait. But maybe waiting is exactly what I need to do.
Just be still and wait.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
What now?
"Bit by intelligible bit, a vocation lets us express our healthiest instincts, our noblest desires... In small things and in large, we can attend to the haunting inner summons of our soul." - Dick Ryan
It will be six years ago this June since I both met Nate and decided that living the comfortable life was not for me. Not sure that those two things actually go hand in hand, but I do know that I have this feeling, this overwhelming desire to never be too comfortable. I mean this in terms of never settling, in always living somewhere that forces me to live outside of my comfort zone. I had this epiphany that summer, this realization that my life was to be spent reaching the unreachable and going to places that many people would never dare travel. I can't explain why I have this feeling, where it comes from, or how I am even going to go about living this realization, I just know it's there and I know that that is the life I need to live. Which brings me to the question, what now? Nate and I are both graduating this summer making it a seemingly perfect time to pack our bags and go. But where to? How do we know that where we are going is the right place to go? Where do we receive that confirmation?
I have been reading Home Tonight by Henri Nouwen. He says, "To live authentically each of us must be aware of our 'within.' We need to become conscious of feeling content, safe, and in the right place, and of feeling lonely, disillusioned, or mildly depressed. In front of turmoil, what do we do? Wise teachers tell us to be very attentive at these moments, to be open to 'signs', feelings, comments, a line in a book, unexpected meetings or events that may move us to consider new directions, to refind balance, and to remain fully alive. Spiritual signs usually have four characteristics: They are simple not complicated, persistent, seemingly impossible, and always about others as well as ourselves."
Now this may sound crazy, and believe it me it feels even crazier, but in our journey of trying to figure out what now, one resounding and persistent place has been constantly finding its way into our lives.
So, Nate and I randomly and at the last minute got invited to a 'baby party', better known as Rosca de Reyes (Three Kings Day, a celebration on January 6 that remembers the arrival of the three kings to the birth of Christ, where you share a pastry in which there are plastic babies hidden in the bread and whoever gets a baby has to prepare a meal for everyone else on Dia de la Candelaria). My friend Dr. Tran is at this party and we got to talking about school and what I was planning to do for my internship. I, in total desperation, said, "I have no idea." And she says, "Why not go to Peru? I have a friend, actually my mentor, who does TB research there and he would love for you to come and help!"
Fast forward to the past month.
I had not heard back from Bob (the TB research guy in Peru) and was starting to freak out. I wanted to know if, 1) I could come to Peru for 6 weeks, and 2) Can Nate come to Peru with me? Just when I had given up and started looking for another internship opportunity, I get a rely from Bob. Not only can we both come to Peru, but he has free housing for us the entire time we are there!
After that, the confirmation we were looking for just started flowing. In the next few days, a lady got transferred into Nate's office at work, she was only going to be there for a few weeks before leaving the company, but Nate started talking to her, and guess where she was from? Peru, of course. And it wasn't more than a week later when Nate and I turned on the TV and started watching An Idiot Abroad (inspiring, right?). But guess where Karl was going that week? Yep, Peru. Coincidence? Perhaps. But get this: we hadn't gone through our mail in probably 3 weeks, so we finally decided that we should probably make sure that there wasn't anything too important in the massive pile. We find a National Geographic magazine with none other than Peru on the cover. And yet, there is more! My friend Ana (a NP from Peru of course) came up to me yesterday and said, "I hear you are going to Peru. Let me give you my cousin's contact information so you have someone to call in case of an emergency and she can show you around the hospitals in Lima." So yeah, maybe I am reading too much into this, but I think we are suppose to go to Peru. Its simple not complicated, persistent, seemingly impossible, and is about others and ourselves.
I am not sure this is where we will end up after graduation, but I am confident that it is exactly where we are suppose to be this summer.
It will be six years ago this June since I both met Nate and decided that living the comfortable life was not for me. Not sure that those two things actually go hand in hand, but I do know that I have this feeling, this overwhelming desire to never be too comfortable. I mean this in terms of never settling, in always living somewhere that forces me to live outside of my comfort zone. I had this epiphany that summer, this realization that my life was to be spent reaching the unreachable and going to places that many people would never dare travel. I can't explain why I have this feeling, where it comes from, or how I am even going to go about living this realization, I just know it's there and I know that that is the life I need to live. Which brings me to the question, what now? Nate and I are both graduating this summer making it a seemingly perfect time to pack our bags and go. But where to? How do we know that where we are going is the right place to go? Where do we receive that confirmation?
I have been reading Home Tonight by Henri Nouwen. He says, "To live authentically each of us must be aware of our 'within.' We need to become conscious of feeling content, safe, and in the right place, and of feeling lonely, disillusioned, or mildly depressed. In front of turmoil, what do we do? Wise teachers tell us to be very attentive at these moments, to be open to 'signs', feelings, comments, a line in a book, unexpected meetings or events that may move us to consider new directions, to refind balance, and to remain fully alive. Spiritual signs usually have four characteristics: They are simple not complicated, persistent, seemingly impossible, and always about others as well as ourselves."
Now this may sound crazy, and believe it me it feels even crazier, but in our journey of trying to figure out what now, one resounding and persistent place has been constantly finding its way into our lives.
So, Nate and I randomly and at the last minute got invited to a 'baby party', better known as Rosca de Reyes (Three Kings Day, a celebration on January 6 that remembers the arrival of the three kings to the birth of Christ, where you share a pastry in which there are plastic babies hidden in the bread and whoever gets a baby has to prepare a meal for everyone else on Dia de la Candelaria). My friend Dr. Tran is at this party and we got to talking about school and what I was planning to do for my internship. I, in total desperation, said, "I have no idea." And she says, "Why not go to Peru? I have a friend, actually my mentor, who does TB research there and he would love for you to come and help!"
Fast forward to the past month.
I had not heard back from Bob (the TB research guy in Peru) and was starting to freak out. I wanted to know if, 1) I could come to Peru for 6 weeks, and 2) Can Nate come to Peru with me? Just when I had given up and started looking for another internship opportunity, I get a rely from Bob. Not only can we both come to Peru, but he has free housing for us the entire time we are there!
After that, the confirmation we were looking for just started flowing. In the next few days, a lady got transferred into Nate's office at work, she was only going to be there for a few weeks before leaving the company, but Nate started talking to her, and guess where she was from? Peru, of course. And it wasn't more than a week later when Nate and I turned on the TV and started watching An Idiot Abroad (inspiring, right?). But guess where Karl was going that week? Yep, Peru. Coincidence? Perhaps. But get this: we hadn't gone through our mail in probably 3 weeks, so we finally decided that we should probably make sure that there wasn't anything too important in the massive pile. We find a National Geographic magazine with none other than Peru on the cover. And yet, there is more! My friend Ana (a NP from Peru of course) came up to me yesterday and said, "I hear you are going to Peru. Let me give you my cousin's contact information so you have someone to call in case of an emergency and she can show you around the hospitals in Lima." So yeah, maybe I am reading too much into this, but I think we are suppose to go to Peru. Its simple not complicated, persistent, seemingly impossible, and is about others and ourselves.
I am not sure this is where we will end up after graduation, but I am confident that it is exactly where we are suppose to be this summer.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Dreaming Big
Pastor Kevin has been talking about dreaming big and starting small. Last week we were challenged to write a list of our life goals, our bucket list if you will. He said something to the effect of, your life is as exciting as your bucket list. If your list is boring and dull, then you will be bored with your life. In dreaming big it's ok to put things that seem too big to accomplish on that list. So I have been thinking about what to put on my list. Some are practical, some seem too big, some are just things I want to do. And what better way to start my blog than with my list of life goals. So here it goes:
1) Get married (I know, but it really is number one on my list, I really want to get married)
2) Adopt or foster children (but this can wait for another 7 years or so, timing really is everything)
3) Work for a NGO in a developing country (maybe even start a NGO because why not? I can dream big!)
4) Learn to speak Spanish fluently
5) Live in Europe for a year
6) Work for WHO or World Vision
7) Skydive
8) Learn how to drive a Vespa or motorcycle
9) Travel to every continent (still left: Africa, Antarctica, Australia; the A's)
10) Buy a house
11) Live on the East Coast (New York, DC, Boston...any of those will do)
12) Go to culinary school
13) Take art classes (drawing, painting and pottery)
14) Learn how to play guitar
That's all I can think of right now. Looking over this list, it actually feels too small. I mean, I feel like I should be able to dream bigger; this list is almost too do-able. I am so comfortable dreaming in reachable goals that it really is beyond my normal capacity to dream as big as I think Kevin wants us to dream. I need to dig deeper, reach higher, try harder to dream bigger.
On a side note:
I have been interviewing people for my MPH project, and something that one of the women said really stuck with me. She said to really figure out why you are doing what you are doing. What are your reasons, what are your intentions? What was the original reason that you went into nursing? What is reason that you go back day after day and take care of patients? Find that reason, find that first desire and live for that.
Actually, maybe that's not a side note. Maybe that's exactly what this bucket list is all about: finding that first desire, finding that passion and creating goals that are wild and free and larger than you can possibly imagine. If only I could start dreaming with that freedom again. If only it were that simple to break out of this type A personality that only allows me to live within rigid borders so I can dream big.
1) Get married (I know, but it really is number one on my list, I really want to get married)
2) Adopt or foster children (but this can wait for another 7 years or so, timing really is everything)
3) Work for a NGO in a developing country (maybe even start a NGO because why not? I can dream big!)
4) Learn to speak Spanish fluently
5) Live in Europe for a year
6) Work for WHO or World Vision
7) Skydive
8) Learn how to drive a Vespa or motorcycle
9) Travel to every continent (still left: Africa, Antarctica, Australia; the A's)
10) Buy a house
11) Live on the East Coast (New York, DC, Boston...any of those will do)
12) Go to culinary school
13) Take art classes (drawing, painting and pottery)
14) Learn how to play guitar
That's all I can think of right now. Looking over this list, it actually feels too small. I mean, I feel like I should be able to dream bigger; this list is almost too do-able. I am so comfortable dreaming in reachable goals that it really is beyond my normal capacity to dream as big as I think Kevin wants us to dream. I need to dig deeper, reach higher, try harder to dream bigger.
On a side note:
I have been interviewing people for my MPH project, and something that one of the women said really stuck with me. She said to really figure out why you are doing what you are doing. What are your reasons, what are your intentions? What was the original reason that you went into nursing? What is reason that you go back day after day and take care of patients? Find that reason, find that first desire and live for that.
Actually, maybe that's not a side note. Maybe that's exactly what this bucket list is all about: finding that first desire, finding that passion and creating goals that are wild and free and larger than you can possibly imagine. If only I could start dreaming with that freedom again. If only it were that simple to break out of this type A personality that only allows me to live within rigid borders so I can dream big.
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